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[06 Nov 2007|09:55pm]
so now that my computer is finally working again (which means I don't have to buy a new one right away)that I haven't been on this site since February. odd. or not.

anyways, life has been pretty hectic in my neck of the woods, mainly with classes, my internship, and being the director of student activities at school...its alright though, its nice to be busy for the most part. it keeps me occupied and out of trouble. I rarely drink anymore, which is probably a good thing. I'm like the old guy now who leans against the bar, has one beer, and then goes home. its overrated.

no love interest. that area is still bland. I'm fine with that though. one thing I've learned over the course of this year is that its not worth stressing about. the difference between trying and not, is that trying causes me to exert more effort, when in actuality the ending tends to be the same.

my internship is seeming more pointless by the day though. journalism really isn't where I want to be in life. its far too stressful for the amount of compensation. I do have a couple clips coming out this week though to add to my already sterling portfolio of bullshit.

I went to a conference a week or so ago for work in St. Charles, Ill. which is the second one that I've been to for it. in some miniscule way it makes me feel important. like i'm not rolling along without doing anything productive besides school. I do get my bachelors in May though, that's exciting. and I was offered a graduate assistantship to a couple of places if I want to continue studying, which never hurts. its a pretty righteous deal too, they would give me: tuition coverage, a paid stipend, a fully furnished apartment for free, meal plans, health care, the whole nine yards. if I don't find a job right away, I'll do it just to be productive. I mean its free school and getting paid, and a masters/doctorate couldn't hurt right?

I've decided that in May, when I graduate I'm leaving one way or the other. by myself. I need new places, and new faces. I want to experience something new and with no one I currently live with. hah. everyone has to move on and that will be my time.

as the road goes, I will follow...
4 old pains ___ kill new hope.

[19 Jan 2007|01:01am]
things i'm certain of:

1. there is no one around here for me
2. i don't really know what i'm looking for
3. i'm more uncertain of people than ever before
4. 466 days til i'm gone from here
5. there will be few people that will be missed
6. but i'm content with life
7. but i can't wait to get out of here
5 old pains ___ kill new hope.

[30 Dec 2006|01:53am]
I'd give anything to have this feeling back again...

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
3 old pains ___ kill new hope.

a brief synapsis... [23 Oct 2006|06:03am]
The last face I ever saw, was of unfamiliarity and confusion. Gripping the armrests, grasping for breath and then finally at my very own hand. I was taken aback at first, not certain what to do. All I knew was comfort and closure in her grasp. Though I did not know her, I did not care. It felt good to be needed, good to be loved, even if this wasn't real love, but merely a struggle to hold onto anything real. A struggle to hold onto that last moment, our last breath together. I could not believe this was happening. The one thing I've always wanted most, to love, had finally happened at the worst possible time. Though to love and lose is better than to never love at all, correct? I suppose when taken into context it can be so, but not in this instance of mine. I wanted more, and I felt resentment for what was being stripped from me. How dare you, I thought. How dare you be so cruel and unjust. I have never betrayed you, I thought. But, here, at my finest moment, you betray me. God is false hope. The thoughts continued to sear inside me, and my anger grew as we raced towards the ground. Then, at that moment, my focus again turned towards her. Her lips, her eyes, oh how beautiful those eyes were. Then, without warning, it slipped from my mouth, "I love you." I did not mean to say it, nor did I truly mean it. However, you become lucid when you are about to die. I did not mean to say it, because I didn't even know her, and had never spoken a lone word to her. But she was the most amazing being I had ever seen, and only at this moment did I realize that it could not last. There would he no saving either of us from the wreckage that would surely ensue. Our demise would be swift and painless. At least I hoped so for my darlings sake. My darling, love of my life, most perfect being I've ever seen, I hate myself for not knowing you. --Oxygen masks now, let us become lethargic and with some instance of euphoria and irony in this time of certain tragedy. My eyes still fixated upon hers. "And I you..." she exclaimed, leaning in for our first, last, and only moment of perfection. The kiss I had waited for my entire life, not one of desperation, or false hope, or lust. Rather, it was the kind of kiss that could end a war, a simple picture of perfection. And then in an instant it was gone, and all I could do was think of the love I could never enjoy, the love that could never be. A love I'll never know, its sad but true. No longer can I feel her grasp, no longer can I taste her lips. This is requiem, in full force. A new dream-like state captivates me, and her memory floods my mind. Wishing but for one more second, one more minute, one more breath. One more chance to get acquainted with the love I'll never know. How quickly my moment of perfection and clarity turned to sorrow and remorse. Was it all a dream? Did any of this really happen? Surely this could not have been just another figment of my imagination. I cannot believe that to be true. Uncertainty now fills my lungs, I loved you, that is all I know to be true.
kill new hope.

[23 Apr 2006|02:18pm]
2 old pains ___ kill new hope.

[27 Feb 2006|02:29am]
Image hosting by Photobucket
1 old pain ___ kill new hope.

February 27th!! [14 Feb 2006|04:38pm]
kill new hope.

[13 Feb 2006|12:56pm]
Please just stop lying to me! I can't take them anymore...
2 old pains ___ kill new hope.

[21 Nov 2005|03:17pm]
i don't ever update this thing anymore...

i miss swingsets and long drives to see her...
i miss waking up next to someone
i miss having someone to come home to
i regret what happened
i am thankful for the things i still have
and for new friends, they help!
but, i wish i could go back to the summer
i wish i could make it up to her
i'm sorry for being dumb
i miss long nights of cuddling
and adventures
and vacations

my presentation is all wrong, it misrepresents me
none of this matters to anyone

i miss her
i was never as happy
i wish i could change things
i wish i could go back in time and start over
i should never feel this way
no one should...
its getting cold out
and i wish i wasn't here
i miss holding her in my arms
i miss kissing her cheek
i miss love...
i'll never get it back it seems
what have i become?

at least theres one thing in my life that makes me happy...
8 old pains ___ kill new hope.

Saturday, July 9th [07 Jul 2005|09:41pm]
2 old pains ___ kill new hope.

[11 Jun 2005|04:44pm]

go here, be our friend...listen to the new music on there!


tell us what you think!!
1 old pain ___ kill new hope.

[07 May 2005|04:11am]
Everytime Kevin barfs he won't let me see and it's the funniest thing.
I inspect his barf after I find him and I think he gets embarassed.
And then I have to bring him home and change him into his pajamas and help him take out his contacts.
It's so cute, it makes me love him even more than I already do (if that's possible).
Hey Butts (that's what I call him), I love you.
1 old pain ___ kill new hope.

[22 Mar 2005|03:22am]
Arizona=really soon!

wow...this is going to be crazy, I've lived in Michigan for 22 years now and I feel like I'm moving to the other side of the world!
4 old pains ___ kill new hope.

[22 Feb 2005|07:47pm]
soooooo...i haven't updated this in a while, so i thought that i'd let you enjoy something i wrote in class today while i was bored...

her wings sever and split
breaking and cracking
like dead autumn leaves
gasping for breath, clawing for life
and shes no longer hurting, she says

the day breaks, night is at hand
wind blowing into an uproar
and its unsettling and dishonest at best
but shes alright, she says
her wings broken, unable to fly
she no longer needs them to soar
burden is dead, a passing phase
ropes tied on ever appendage
and nailed to the commitment
until the disheartening shall reappear

my life is yours, she says
exclaimed triumphant and proud
and the days will grow sick in companionship

but her beauty astounds me
and like sparks we ignite
forever bonded in loving recourse
but, to help, to live, is to die
only but if in each others arms
grasping at emotion
and at each others hearts
the mind dies, body takes over
incoherent to each other
i've felt your heart, he says, i need you forever

devout and astounded, the journey begins
ever changing, ever passing
lost in the moments
the train gaining momentum
losing speed settling down

the casket scars mark incredible graves
there is no failure here
my love
there can be no losing you
for, losing you would be the death of me
burden again, kill us
our death slow and unfortunate
i cannot be without your grasp
hold me! tell me it will be ok, she cries
not alone never alone
you'll never be alone with me

a final push struggle
but constantly giving us strength
to be whole, to be each other
clench my hands
knotted together
i need you always, my love
make haste, the days grow short
be my shining star and
lead me through this night
i love you always, my love

kinda lame i suppose, but i write in metaphors and theres many hidden meanings...

anyways, its homework time!!!

that is all...
1 old pain ___ kill new hope.

[15 Feb 2005|08:20pm]
Just in case anyone was curious...

I have the most amazing girlfriend ever!!!!

I love this girl sooo much...I'm glad things are finally back like they should be!
4 old pains ___ kill new hope.

[08 Feb 2005|09:51pm]
thursday is going to be the happiest day of my life!
4 old pains ___ kill new hope.

[02 Feb 2005|07:13pm]
[ mood | down ]

so...I haven't been this sad in a long time, but it always seems to happen at this time of the year, pathetic...

valentine's day is right around the corner and I've never had a valentine, its a pretty lame day though overall! hallmark holiday! I mean I suppose I could have someone, but I can't find anyone who makes up for her, or that can compare and take her place...*sigh*...but, one thing that really really really (emphasis on really) makes me sick is the fact that all these little girls come up to me at shows and are like "ohhh you're so hot, and you're in a band"...who fucking cares? just because I sing in a band doesn't make me something special, grow up, get a life man! I mean honestly, I really don't want someone who likes me for that reason, its pathetic! I mean sure, I love singing and I love the band and its a great time and its one of the best emotional releases I've found, but theres more to me than that...I'm just sick of them saying that, I mean, do you even listen to the goddamn music? cause thats why I'm here, not to look good...

I'm sick of looking for that person, I had it once, but my dumbass let it slip away...good call! I'm sick of sitting here and mopping around...

happy wednesday

the end

3 old pains ___ kill new hope.

showwwwwws [31 Jan 2005|06:07pm]
Friday, February 4th @ Best Cup a Joe's
Auburn, IN

Icarus Escapes
Twelve is Romanian
Oh Captain My Captain
Skeleton Thieves

Saturday, February 5th @ the Post
Goshen, IN

Icarus Escapes
Remember Arlington
In the Face of War
Twelve is Romanian
Only When I Burn

Sunday, February 6th @ Westport Community Center
Burns Harbor, IN

Twelve Is Romanian
Walk A Mile
The Arnolfini Marrage
Where It Ends

if you get a chance, make sure to come out to one or a few of those, they are going to be amazing shows!

and give us a listen!!!

4 old pains ___ kill new hope.

[19 Jan 2005|04:51am]
what am i doing wrong here?
1 old pain ___ kill new hope.

[07 Dec 2004|02:47am]
Happy Birthday Shannosaurus Rex!!!

we miss you...
2 old pains ___ kill new hope.

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